Get Out Of My Way!
by Tbf-DB
Summary: The Cullen’s are each given a list of human tasks to complete before each of their siblings. A friendly competition gets sticky, gooey, bubbly and violent...Edward will never look at walkers the same...So who will suffer the ultimate humiliation?
1. How Many Vampires Does It Take?

**Summary: **The Cullen's are each given a series of average, daily tasks, modified to some point, to complete before each of their siblings. Of course, how hard can this be for a bunch of Vampires? The day proves to be _a lot_ more chaotic than anticipated. Who will suffer the ultimate humiliation?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Twilight_. Nor do I own any Grocers, Gas Stations, Laundry Mats, And Or Old Men With Walkers.

**Author's Note: **Bella is still human while the Cullen's, obviously, are vampires. Enjoy. :)

**How Many Vampires Does It Take To Change A Light Bulb?**

**Bpov**

We were all scattered around the Cullen's living area. Alice and Jasper sprawled out on the floor, propped up on their elbows, Emmett and Rosalie seated on the far corner of the sofa –Emmett whispering god knows what into Rosalie's ear- and Edward and me on the opposite end, my head in Edward's lap as he played with my hair. We were trying to come up with something to do, well everyone other than Emmett, seeing as we've been lazing around for the past three days. So far, zero progress. You'd think after living for a few centuries you might come up with a few ways to entertain yourself. Surprisingly, Emmett was the first to speak up. Maybe he had been thinking after all...

"How 'bout we-"

He was cut off by a low rumbling growl from Edward. I glanced up in time to see the glare he was sending toward Emmett and I shot him a questioning glance only to have him shake his head ad roll his eyes. It only took a moment to realize where Emmett's sentence had been heading, and I felt the heat rush to my cheeks instantly. Strike that previous thought. Emmett still not thinking, as usual. Suddenly Alice's tiny body shot up into a standing position at a speed only vampires can achieve with a huge smile on her face.

"I've got it! I know what we're going to do today!" She shouted as she began jumping up and down.

I stole a peek at Edward and he shrugged while continuing to twirl my hair. Everyone looked somewhat warily at Alice's hopping form waiting for her to reveal her plans.

"We are going to…..RACE!" Alice exclaimed.

"We're going to _what!?"_ I Yelled. Maybe she's forgotten but I don't have super vampire speed!

"We're each going to have a list of things to do. A To-Do-List! I'll have Esme write it up. Anyway we will each get a copy of that list and split up to complete each task. Once we've finished we meet up back here with proof of each completed chore. The first person back wins and will receive some sort of prize while the last person, the loser, with have to do something humiliating!"

"What will the loser have to do?" I asked. I admit I was a bit scared since I would undoubtedly be the last person to arrive back.

Alice's face dropped slightly, and she got that pondering look on her face again. "I'm not sure" she said tapping her index finger to her chin "I still haven't figured out what the winner and loser get."

"I know!"

We all groaned and looked at Emmett, waiting for the inevitable innuendo.

"No! I'm serious this time guys!" He pouted and crossed his arms over his chest.

"Well get on with it then" Rosalie prompted turning to face him.

"The winner should get to decide what it is that the loser has to do" He held his head up proudly and grinned. I confess, I liked the idea.

Alice beamed and looked around the room at each of us. "Great! It's settled then? Any objections? Overruled! I'll go talk to Esme!" With that she rushed out of the room, up the stairs and out of sight. When she was gone Emmett went back to whispering in Rosalie's ear and she was now actively participating while Jasper turned his attention to the television program about fish changing genders. I once again looked up at Edward. He had been pretty quiet throughout the –forced- agreement. His eyes were narrowed in the direction Alice had just disappeared through, and I felt my nerves build instantly.

"What's wrong?" I brought my hand to his cheek and turned his face to look at me.

"Nothing" He smiled slightly "She's blocking me so I _am_ just a little suspicious."

I laughed and shook my head. He relies on his mind reading abilities far too much for his own good. I let my mind wander to the race challenge wondering what exactly would be on the list. I was kind of at ease knowing Esme would be the one coming up with the task's but still distrustful of my clumsiness and terrible luck. I probably wouldn't win but I could at least do my damndest not to lose. Heaven knows I do enough to embarrass myself on a daily basis as it is. The last thing I need is for someone to plan out my degradation. At that moment Alice zipped back into the room and appeared gracefully seated on the center of the couch, cross legged and not a hair out of place.

"Esme is already working on the list, she's thrilled with the idea and it won't be long before she's finished. There will in all be five chores to complete and I've decided we will not have to do them in order of the list, just to shake it up a little more. We'll be in public places so evidently no super strength or speed. Everyone got it?"

A chorus of 'yes' and 'uh huh' sounded. Alice did not look pleased with our lack of enthusiasm. She looked at Edward then and rolled her eyes at him.

"No Edward you can not go with Bella. This is all unaided and Bella will be perfectly fine." She huffed. Edward grumbled under his breath and sulked in his seat most likely worrying about me getting attacked by a swarm of pigeons or something of that nature. He really needs to learn how to relax. Esme descended down the stairs with a bright smile on her face and six sheets of folded paper in her hand. I have to say the sight was making my excitement grow!

"Now children, you are not to look at the list until I give the OK" She stated as she handed each of us our own list. "Remember you need the proof that you did in fact complete everything the list demands. Get ready……Set………..GO!"

There was the distinct sound of paper tearing as we all hastily unfolded our lists.

"CRAP!" I dimly heard Emmett scream. I glanced up momentarily to see Emmett's list torn in half. I giggled to myself as I quickly refocused my eyes on the list.

**1: Go To The Grocers And Buy Everything Listed Below**

_Flour_

_Eggs_

_Canola Oil_

_Milk_

_Sweetened Condensed Milk_

_Peanut Butter_

_Sardines_

**2: Come Back And Cook Something Of Your Choice Using Everything You Bought**

**3: Go To Esme To Receive A Bag Of Laundry, Take It To The Laundry Mat, Wash The Load And Return It Home**

**4: Go To The Gas Station And Pump Someone's Gas For Them**

**5: Help The First Person You See At A Cross Walk Make It Across The Street**

_WHAT!?!_

How was I supposed to just walk up to someone and ask to pump their gas? And then how was I supposed to prove it? Damn it Esme! I glanced up once more and it seemed everyone was trying to decide what to do first. I made a split decision and bolted toward Esme, inconspicuously swiping Edward's wallet from the end table. Hey, I need cash and who said you can't sabotage your significant other?

"I'll take the laundry now" The words ran into each other as I spit them from my lips. I wanted to get a move on and speaking slowly with coherency was not an option.

Esme disappeared up the stairs and returned a second later with a rather large load of clothes. I eyed them for a moment before heaving them into my arms and making a run for the door. My act seemed to jolt everyone into action as Jasper and Rosalie also retrieved their Clothes and Emmett and Alice battled their way to the garage. From my peripheral vision I saw Edward looking around for something and I laughed internally thinking about his wallet in my pocket.

"Good luck!" I heard Esme call just as I made it out the front door and to my truck in the drive way. As if I wasn't at enough of a disadvantage, I was stuck with my tortoise of a car. Fabulous.

**EMpov**

I can't believe I ripped my list! I was just trying to get a head start and the damn thing was just so flimsy. And to make things worse, that list was full of CHICK STUFF! Human chick stuff! Cook!? Uhh hi, I'm Emmett and I'm vampire. A male vampire. Well male vampires can pump gas! Wait…. HAHAHAHAHA! Fart! Okay back on task! I pulled into the gas station and parked in one of the employee stalls. The place was deserted… wait not deserted, Alice is here. Damn that little pixie. I'll just have to wrestle her for the first person to pull in. I unconsciously flexed my muscles…okay so it was a conscious action.

I got out of my jeep and leaned back on it as I made eye contact with Alice. She pointed her two fingers at her narrowed eyes then back at me and quirked a smile. Apparently she had a vision that cheater. A car pulled in then, a small rusted black car that pulled up next to the first pump. I instantly made a run, at human pace, toward the car but Alice was already there. I sped up a bit and reached the car just as a middle aged man stepped out of the drivers seat and looked up at Alice and me. He seemed confused at first, then he looked at Alice and got a goofy grin on his face. Gross. Of course Alice used that to her advantage and strutted up to him with a bright smile.

"Hello sir, please allow me to take care of this for you" She said in a seductive tone while ushering him back into the car.

"Anything else you want to take care of?" The man asked suggestively. I made a face and retreated back to my car mumbling about stupid Alice.

After the mans tank was full and Alice managed to evade his sexual comments and flirting she took off down the road in her yellow Porsche, leaving me scowling after her. Luckily I only had to wait a few minutes before a blue mini van pulled up in front of the same pump that had just been occupied by the pervert. I wasted no more time in rushing over, swiping my credit card and putting the pump into the nozzle of the car. A woman emerged from the van and rounded the car fixing her beady eyes on me and tapping her heeled foot with her hands on her hips.

"Young man what on earth do you think you're doing?" She demanded in a nasally voice.

I cringed internally and flashed her a winning smile. "Well I saw you're pretty face coming down that road and thought there's no way a woman of such class should be pumping her own gas."

"_Excuse me!? _Young man I am devotedly married, these goods are off the market!" The woman haughtily said as she fluffed her sweater around her breasts. I think I gagged. I don't know, my disgust was making it hard to tell. I glanced at the machine and cursed. The tank was only half way full.

"W-well I..I.." I glanced through the windows of her car and saw an infant in a car seat staring out at me. Must be her kid, he's got the same beady eyes. Huh, the woman seems a little old to have a baby. Whatever, when life gives you a chance to get a cougar old lady away from you, suck it. "OH MY GOD MA'AM! I THINK YOUR KID IS CHOKING!" I yelled frantically looking for an escape.

"What!?" She screamed running her stubby legs around to the other side of the car and opening the door. I glanced again at the numbers as they slowly came to a stop. I pulled out the pump and placed it back on the rack and tried to think of some way to get proof of this. Looking back through the window I saw the woman preoccupied with her baby and on a whim, I tore her side mirror from her car and made a break for my jeep. Crap I just broke the no super strength rule and I have no idea what the penalty for that is. Hopefully I hadn't wasted too much time to win…

**EDpov**

After about five minutes of futile searching I raced up to my bedroom, grabbed a wad of cash and stuffed it into my pocket. Everyone else had already left and I was behind on time. I still could not for the life of me think of where my wallet could be. I got into my Volvo and made toward to grocers. If I can get the shopping out of the way then everything else should be easy. A few minutes later I pulled into the parking lot. I easily spotted Alice's canary yellow Porsche as I ran into the store earning strange looks from passer byres. I didn't need to look at the list again to see what I needed. Vampire photographic memories come in handy. I grabbed a basket and headed down one of the isles not really knowing where anything was and just looking around for whatever jumped out at me.

After finding the sweetened condensed milk, eggs, and canola oil I ran into Alice in front of the peanut butter on isle 8. Suddenly everything slowed down. Alice's eyes locked with my own as we both glanced at the peanut butter and back at each other. Other people in the isle seemed to notice the show down as the inched away with frightened looks on their faces.

_Crazy teenagers…_

_It's just peanut butter…_

_Should I call the police…_

_What's with the spooky evil eyes…_

_I'd like to rub peanut butter on him…yummy…_

These were just some of the thoughts running through people's minds as they fled the isle.

"Alice." I said coolly.

"Edward." She replied in the same tone.

My fingers twitched.

So did hers.

I made no decisions.

She blocked her thoughts.

Fair game.

And then it happened. We both lunged for the peanut butter at the same time, making a grab for the same one. I tugged on the peanut butter with one hand and shoved her head away with the other.

"Let!....Go!" I said through my teeth.

"I…Was….Here….First!" She bit back harshly emphasizing each word with a tug on the peanut butter. Suddenly the pressure of our hold on the middle of the jar caused the lid to fly off into the roof of the building leaving a visible dent. We paid no mind to that through as the peanut butter sprayed out all over Alice's beloved designer clothes. She squealed and dropped her hold on the jar sending me toppling backward with it.

"EDWARD THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT!" She screeched at me. I noticeably cringed away from the volume and watched her grab a new jar of peanut butter along with the rest of her items and stomp angrily to the register. I wasted no time feeling sorry for Alice and rushed to gather the rest of my groceries. Alice would give me hell later but for now I kept my eyes on the prize.

**Apov**

I was livid. How could Edward be so careless? So _stupid!_ Ugh! My beautiful clothes, ruined by this repulsive human food! The only good thing right now was that I had already completed two tasks. I was a little put off that I couldn't see the outcome of our little game, too many unmade decisions, but I guess I was also kind of glad. How much fun would it be if you already knew how things were going to turn out? I put my bags in the back seat of my car with the receipt, my proof, and began on my way home to put everything in the refrigerator before it went bad. I wasn't sure whether or not I should stay home and begin trying to make something moderately edible to a human or take my laundry load instead. I, like majority of my family, did not under any circumstances know how to cook. I mean we're vampires for crying out loud! Bella would definitely have the advantage there, though I'm not sure even she could pull something off with milk and sardines. Ick. Turning down the winding road to our house I decided to get the hard part out of the way first. Cooking. I knew some basics of course. You know, bread in the toaster makes toast. Eggs in a pan make scrambled eggs. I wasn't completely hopeless. I carried the bags into the kitchen and laid everything out on the counter top. We kept the fridge stocked with food for Bella so I did have some extra material to work with. I figured I'd go with the simplest thing that I knew. Cake. I got out one of our props, a mixing bowl, and set to work. I didn't know measurements so it's safe to say I was winging it. I poured the flour into the bowl and cracked two eggs to add. I poured in about a cup of milk and a handful of canola oil before setting my eyes on the sardines. I may not remember my human life, and I certainly don't remember what kind of ingredients taste good in cake, but I was sure sardines were a no-no. I bit my lip and poured the batter into a cake pan sticking it into the oven. I'd figure out the sardines later but for right now I won't be wasting time waiting for this cake to bake. I could probably run-err drive down the street and help some old fool across. With nearly four tasks down I was _so _going to win this!

I hopped into my car mentally cursing myself for the no super speed/strength rule but knowing it wouldn't be fair to Bella if we used our heightened abilities. Unfortunately there were only three stoplights in all of Forks which meant the same for cross walks. I sped toward the closest one and parked on the curb waiting for someone to show up. Waiting….And waiting………And waiting. Yes, it's Forks. Yes, it's raining. Damn humans suck it up and go for a walk! After fifteen minutes of waiting and no humans I began to worry about my cake. I looked into my immediate future and saw the cake being ready in about ten minutes. I tapped my fingers against the steering wheel and willed someone to cross the street. Just then, a car sped by at a frightening speed. But not just any car…a red BMW. I tapped my fingers with more fervor against the wheel feeling my anxiety rising. And then another car passed by, a much slower car. BELLA! Damn it! I looked down at my watch and noted that my cake needed to come out in precisely two minutes. And then my savior appeared, in the form of a wrinkly old withered man. And oh how beautiful he was! I literally jumped out of my car and ran over to him, maybe a bit faster than a normal human would. I grabbed his walker and smiled hugely at him.

"HI! I'm Alice and I'll be your designated helper today! Please keep your hands and loafer feet inside the walker at all times and thank you for walking Alice Landlines!" The old man looked up at me through thick glasses that made his eyes the size of base balls and his bottom liver spotted lip quivered as he made an attempt at speech.

"Well" He drawled in his raspy old voice "H..Hello there….young lady…" Oh god, we got an old war veteran ready to tell his old boring stories with drool running out the corner of his mouth.

"Come on let's get you across the street!" I blurted and I began tugging his walker toward the road. His eyes got wider –that freaked me out a bit- and he stumbled forward along with me.

"No dear! I'm not going that way… my home is on this side of the road" He grumbled as he tried to tug his walker back.

I turned and glared at him right in his cow eyes. "You. Are. Going. To. Cross. This. Street." I growled menacingly. That might have been over the top but this old man was not going to cost me the game!

"Oh my!" He wailed as I dragged him – literally, his loafers were and knees were being dragged across the asphalt as he held onto his walker- across the street. Once on the other side I smiled at him again and had him sign the business card that pervert at the gas station had given me for proof. As soon as his shaky hand finished with the pen I snatched it back and ran back to my car without another word. I looked into my future and saw my cake burnt and black, and a thick cloud of smoke filling the kitchen.

"Great" I hissed "Maybe they'll believe it's chocolate."

**Author's Note:** Originally, this was going to be a one-shot. But once I made it to 26 pages and 11,000 words and I was still nowhere near finished, I decided to just break it up into parts. So! Here's chapter one, Review and I will put the next one up in a few days!

**.*~-Tbf -~*.**


	2. Soap, Fiends and Sabotage

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Twilight _or _The Omen._

**Author's Note: **Thank you to those of you who favorite and alerted this story. Though I have most of the story typed out I will not continue to post the chapters until I start getting some reviews!

**Soap, Fiends and Sabotage**

**JASpov**

I struggled to keep my laundry load securely on the Ducati. I really wish I had used a car instead of a motorcycle seeing as this only made things more difficult for me! I still can't believe Bella is so devious…

Flashback

_We were racing toward the laundry mat, each of us trying to get there before the other. Well, Rose and I were racing, it wouldn't take us long to catch up to Bella with what she's driving. I still don't understand why she doesn't just let Edward buy her a new car. Oh that's right, because the truck has 'character'. As we neared Bella's bumper I took the opportunity to move into the other lane and pass by her, and as I passed by the driver's window I couldn't help it. I turned toward Bella and gave her a cocky grin. The scowl on her face was priceless! I raced past her at dangerous speeds, but I was horrified as I swerved in front of her all my clothes flew off the back of my bike and scattered around the road and in the trees! I screeched to a stop at once causing Bella to do the same and watched Rosalie drive past us and out of sight. I stole a glance at Bella and saw her holding her sides with laughter and I couldn't stop myself from imitating her earlier scowl. I trudged over to the truck and snatched a pair of boxers off her wind shield then proceeded to gather the rest of the clothes. When I was sure I had all of them I made my way back to the Ducati and accelerated to an amazing velocity in hopes of making up for lost time._

_When I reached the laundry mat I wasn't surprised to see Bella's truck and Rosalie's BMW parked up front. What I was surprised to see were the mountains of soap and suds flooding the inside of the place. I gather my clothes in my arms and ran inside the building to an empty machine where I hastily opened the door and shoved all the clothes inside. I turned around and saw Bella leaning against her own machine watched Rose with a grin on her face as she tried to control the monster hers had become. Rosalie's machine was spewing bubbles like Niagara Falls and she looked utterly helpless. I looked back at Bella to see her smile grow and then she winked at me. I didn't get it. She winked at me?....OH! Bella did this to Rose! Aha….ahahahahaha! I had no idea she would do such a thing! I guess I should watch my back.. I turned back to my machine and inserted some quarters to get it running. I had never done laundry before since Alice made us give all our clothes away before we had a chance to wear them twice. There were so many buttons…so many confusing buttons. Heavy wash, Medium wash, Light wash? Hmm that sounded easy..Medium! Wait..but I want my clothes to be clean…Heavy wash! NO! This has to be fast, I'm working against the clock, Light wash! Oh god…Medium! It has to be Medium! I looked toward the other buttons and nozzles and words and numbers….so many numbers…what do they mean!? 10..5..30…25..20….40…35..15…I want my wife…_

_BANG!_

_I spun around and saw Bella flat on her back in the middle of a puddle of water and suds and two identical trails in the soapy mess. My eyes followed the trails to see one of the carts full of clothes –Bella's clothes- Against the wall in a tangle of metal, cotton and soap. Rosalie had a smug look on her face and seemed to be ignoring the manager who was yelling at her to clean up her mess. I swiftly turned the nozzle to the 10, poured in some fabric softener and started my machine. Bella ran –more like slipped and slid- over to her cart and disentangled her clothes in an attempt to salvage them from the mess on the floor before she had to send them back into the wash. I felt kind of bad for Bella and Rosalie, things obviously weren't going well for either of them and being the gentleman that I am I decided to offer them my assistance. Rosalie, though she was feeling triumphant at the sight of Bella, was also feeling anxious and distressed over her own situation. And Bella, well she was embarrassed as per usual and nervous. I walked over to Rosalie and gave her a small smile._

"_Can I help you out with anything?" I asked. She looked wary at first, probably trying to decipher whether or not I was going to try and sabotage her further._

"_Yeah…can you take care of that?" She gestured toward the small woman still going off on Rose with a heavy accent. I nodded and sent the woman a good amount of giddiness and suddenly she was giggling and skipping off toward the back room. Rose sighed in relief and turned back to her clothes that were thoroughly soaked. She easily strained them of water and tossed them into a dryer. I was going to help Bella with whatever she was doing, but I realized she was nowhere in sight. Frowning I went back to my machine and what I saw made my eyes bug way out of my head! My machine was spinning out of control and small streams of water were beginning to spray out of the edges of the plastic door. I ran over as fast as I could without looking conspicuous and yanked the door open. That was the first mistake. Torrents of water came flooding out pooling around my feet and drenching me from the waist down. I stood in shock as my clothes swam out with the water before I snapped out of my trance and dropped to my knees to pick them all up, effectively watering down the rest of my body. I looked around desperately for help and saw Bella gathering her still slightly damp clothes from the dryer and running them out to her truck, leaving Rosalie and I in her wake. I was frustrated, that's for sure, but I was also pretty dang impressed. I wrung out my clothes as Rosalie had and stuffed them into an available dryer. I ran up to the reception desk and grabbed a business card and complementary laundry bag for proof just as Bella and Rosalie had and waited for my clothes to finish. I was in slight awe with Bella, but Rosalie was anything but. It was clear when she stalked out a few minutes later with her clothes, an irritated look on her face. _

_My clothes finally finished their cycle ten minutes later and I knew I was behind so it was difficult to not just run at vampire speed all the way home and drop off the clothes to move on. As soon as I stepped out of the laundry mat I saw Emmett walking in. I shook my head and laughed once._

"_Good Luck." I mumbled_

End Flashback

The way things are going I think I'll be the one who really needs the luck..

**Bpov**

Things are going well! Things are going very well! I decided not long after stealing Edward's wallet that I would have to do a lot of sabotage in order to stay in this, and that's exactly what I had done! To Rosalie and Jasper in fact. And also Edward if you count this morning. And now I was driving away from the laundry mat, Rosalie and Jasper and I couldn't be more excited. I had already determined that I would from here go straight to the gas station and then to the grocers. Unfortunately with things like the gas station and walking people across the street, you never know if someone will actually be there for you to help. As I approached a stop light, I felt my heart fly. Here I am thinking of how unlikely it is to find someone to help, and there's Mike Newton walking to his family's outfitters store! I briefly wondered what happened to his car, but pushed the thought aside as I saw he was about to cross without me. I don't think so buddy! I slammed my hand on the horn and my foot on the break and I swear Mike jumped three feet into the air and yelped! Granted, Mike is not someone I want to walk across the street since it will probably give him the wrong impression, but I'd rather it be him than some random stranger who would possibly think I'm loony. I swiped and old news paper article from the dashboard along with a marker and hopped out of the cab. Mike was standing there grinning like an idiot, apparently recognizing who I was. I resisted rolling my eyes and jogged up to him.

"Hey" I said brightly.

"Hey.." He replied eyeing me up and down in a very non discrete way. I felt the blood pool in my cheeks and tried to shake off the violated feeling.

"You headed to work?" I asked conversationally while motioning for him to continue down the cross walk.

"Yeah..but I'm sure I could get out of it if you wanted to do something….else" He hinted.

I laughed awkwardly and avoided eye contact by looking straight ahead. "Nah you don't have to do that, just wanted to catch up with a friend" I said stressing the 'friend' part.

"You sure? I'm sure we could find something to do, yo-" I cut him off as we reached the end of the road and Rosalie whizzed passed us in a blur of red.

"Actually Mike I really have to get going, it was nice speaking to you. Do you think you could sign this though? You know, just confirming that I walked you across the street." I tried to be non suspicious as I handed him the marker and newspaper article, but I don't think it's possible when you're saying something like that. As anticipated he looked at me like I was some kind of freak before taking the marker and paper and hesitantly writing something on it and handing it back to me.

"I'll see you later then" He said with a wink.

I shuddered and ran back to my truck hopping in and glancing at what he wrote.

_I, Mike Newton, was graciously escorted across the street by the very _

_beautiful Isabella Swan. She was very flirtatious and I would be happy_

_to have her walk me back to my home some time soon._

I gagged and put the car in drive, pushing my baby to its 55 mph limit. I was feeling ambitious today…and I also really wanted to get away from Newton. After about five minutes or so I passed Alice in her Porsche seemingly waiting for someone to come cross the street. This made me nervous. Was she already done with her other tasks? Was there no hope for me? I chewed my bottom lip as I pulled into the parking lot…Rosalie was just leaving. She looked confident. Well at least I didn't have to compete with her to pump someone's gas. I parked and waited A couple of minutes later I heard a car coming up and twisted around in my seat to see a shiny silver car. Strike that, a shiny silver _Volvo!_ Edward. I narrowed my eyes at him as he pulled into the stall next to mine. It's game time baby, and he isn't going to pump someone's gas before I do! Would it be wrong to sabotage Edward twice? Heck no it wouldn't be! I struggled to keep a straight face as I slipped out of my truck and headed over to his. I opened the driver's door and plopped down onto his lap, smiling up at him.

"Hi" I beamed. He seemed surprised at first, but then smiled back at me and wrapped his arms around my waist.

"Hi" He said in his velvety smooth, wonderfully musica- wait! No I can't be dazzled right now. Later can be dazzling time, not now. FOCUS!

"How are you doing with your tasks?" A stared at him with big wide innocent eyes. He faltered for a moment, just as I'd hoped and I couldn't help but feel a little smug.

"I..I'm doing alright, how about you?" He asked. I sighed dejectedly and rested my head on his chest.

"Not too good actually. I haven't been able to get anything done…I think I'm going to have to do something really awful" I sniffled just faintly heard an engine outside drive in and pull to a stop. I glanced out the window and sure enough, there was a car right in front of the pumps. I sighed again and stood up.

"Well, you better go pump their gas. I'll see you at home I guess…" I trailed off sadly and began making my way toward my truck again just when I felt his cold hand on my wrist. I looked down at his concerned face and did a happy dance in my head. I had this in the bag!

"No, you go help them, I'll get the next one" He smiled encouragingly and I grinned right back just as I heard a door slam.

"Thanks!" I exclaimed and kissed him chastely before running toward the car before the owner could do anything I'd make them regret.

"WAIT!" I yelled to the person holding their credit card above the slot. They looked up at me with a bewildered expression and I took it as my opening. "We're having a special today! Free gas" I said as I reached them pulling out Edwards wallet and credit card. I wonder if Edward could see that I had it? I giggled internally. I pushed the mans hand away and swiped the card before turning back to him. "I will be pumping your gas today." I smiled at the man and hoped my story sounded believable… and that he would sign my news paper article. The man just looked a little frightened, maybe I was too forward, as he turned back around and seated himself in his car. Once the man had a full tank of gas and the pump was hung in its respective slot I leaned into the mans window and requested he sign my article, which he did. But I think he just really wanted to get out of there and away from the crazy girl.

I skipped all the way back to my truck and waved at Edward as I drove away. I would have said goodbye properly but I really didn't want him to ask about his wallet. As I popped a U-Turn and drove in the direction of the Grocers I noticed Charlie's cruiser pull into the gas station. I laughed out loud at the thought of Edward trying to pump my dad's gas.

**EDpov**

As soon as I was out of Grocers I started toward the gas station while wondering how everyone else was doing. Surely I was the furthest behind right now, but there was still time to change that. I saw Jasper on the Ducati I'd given to him and wondered where he was headed, that is until I saw what he was looking at. A very old man with a walker who looked slightly agitated walking across the street at a wobbly pace. So Jasper wanted to walk the man across the street? We'll see about that! I accelerated toward the man, determined to make it there before Jasper and I noticed him do the same. We both came to a loud sudden halt about a yard away on either side of the now terrified old man. I furrowed my brow as my eyes trailed south. No, I'm not gay and I'm not checking out his old man butt. It just seems that the man had urinated himself…  
I suppose that's mine and Jasper's fault..whatever, ew. Well, let's get this over with. I hopped out of my Volvo and walked briskly toward the old man who had now scurried to the side walk with his walker. Jasper and I each grabbed on of his arms and glared at each other.

"Let!....Go!" I said through my teeth.

"I…Was….Here….First!" He said back harshly emphasizing each word with a tug on the old man. Wow is it just me or is anyone else having déjà vu? Well like husband like wife I guess. I just hope the old man makes it out better than the peanut butter…  
Well if he won't let go willingly, I'll have to make him! I began pulling the old man back across the street he had just managed to cross. Jasper mimicked my actions pulling the old man's other arm.

"What's going on!? No! Not this again! Please, I'm just trying to go home!" The old man protested despite the fact we were already halfway across the street. "YOUNG PEOPLE HAVE NO RESPECT! UNHAND ME FIENDS! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH HELP! HELP!" Great I'm sure this guy would just love to write up how I helped him. Now I'll never get proof! But I have to try…  
As soon as we made it to the other side Jasper and I released the old man.

"So listen-" I was cut off when the old man started attacking me with his walker! He picked the thing up of the ground and started swinging it at my face! Was he insane!? If I was human I could be critically injured!

"FIEND! FIEND!!" He kept shouting. I searched his mind for some way to make him calm down.

_FIEND! FIEND! FIEEEEEND!_

I rolled my eyes. Wow that helps. I shot a pleading glance at Jasper as I dodged the man's weaponry and Jasper just shrugged.

_He won't calm down, he's in hysterics!_

I sighed. One choice now…  
I ran away with my tail between my legs and my ego more than a little wounded. I stood in front of my Volvo, Jasper in front of his Ducati and we stared at each other for a moment.

"I'll be your proof for you if you'll be mine" I said grudgingly.

"Fine" He agreed and we both went back to our vehicles.

So I finally made it to the gas station and guess who's there! None other than my Bella herself, sitting in her monstrosity of a truck. I wasn't sure what the rules of a relationship were when it came to competition, but apparently she was because as soon as I parked next to her she came over, opened my door and sat down right on my lap. Now I wasn't complaining, but I was hesitant to tell her of my progress when she asked. Although when she got that heart breaking look on her face I had to let her have the car that had just pulled in. There simply wasn't any other option! Who could stand to see that sad forlorn look on her face? And it did make her happy when I told her to go for it. I sighed and watched my angel work her magic. I was perfectly content. That is, until she pulled _my_ wallet out of her pocket! I have to say I was slightly miffed! I had spent a good deal of time looking for that, and she probably knows it too! I can't believe it. Sabotaging her own boyfriend. I'm so…proud! I grinned and refocused on what was going on at the gas pump.

…_Free gas? Why would anyone be giving away free gas? Is this chick insane? Oh my god, I bet she just busted out of Loonyville! Holy crap I have to get in my car, it's the only refuge I have! Please good lord don't take me now! I'll try to be good…I won't cheat on the diets Margaret puts me on anymore! Oh no, she's coming back around! Okay, deep, calm breaths. Don't let your hands shake, they can smell fear…no that's horses right? What if she's half horse!...NO I BET SHE WAS BORN FROM A HORSE! Just like that movie! What was it called…?...The Omen! That's the movie. Dude was born from a cow and shit went down! Oh lordy please don't let this be the end! Wait what? She wants me to sign a new paper article stating that I let her pump my gas? Oh god she really is insane! Let's get this over with!...'I'…Crap I can't use my real name, she might hunt me down….'I Curious George..' Oh fuck! I panicked! I can't go back now, Jesus now she'll know that's a fake name! Okay…'Let this nice, pretty, sane woman pump my gas'.. yeah good one George, butter her up. Smart thinking. YAY SHE'S LEAVING! Okay, speed away now. Don't look back…_

Wow. And he's calling my Bella insane? His mind is a hazard to all mind readers…  
I just caught Bella's wave in time to return it, and I scanned the area for any minds that would be pulling up for gas.

…Running low, better pull in before a get paged or something. Hah, right, this town's so quiet it might as well be deserted. All thanks to me and my deputies. Yup, Chief Swan keeping the peace…

"Oh god" I groaned as Chief Swan pulled into the gas station. Maybe I should just wait for someone else…I scanned the area again. Nothing. I sighed and stepped out my car walking slowly toward the cruiser. Charlie didn't seem to notice me as he slammed his door and stepped up to the pumps.

"Hey!...Chief Swan.." I called awkwardly, my hand raised slightly in an attempted wave. Charlie looked up at me from his wallet and furrowed his brow.

"Oh.. hello Edward. What are you doing out here?"

"Well I wanted to do my daily good deed so I thought I'd fill someone's tank.." Oh crap, I sound like a wannabe Martyr. Charlie raised a brow and crossed his arms, leaning against the cruiser.

"I ain't no softie boy" He stated firmly "You see this?" He pointed to the badge on his breast pocket "This means no backing down. You want to get on my good side, you're going to have to earn it, not buy it."

"Yes sir" I mumbled rubbing the back of my neck. I thought about how I'd also need to get him to sign something after this as proof, and decided honesty was the best policy in this situation. "Actually Chief Swan me, Bella and my family are playing a game of sorts. It's a friendly competition that requires us to pump someone's gas for free and bring back proof that we did it.." I trailed off feeling immature and idiotic. Charlie quirked a brow and the right corner of his mouth twitched up into a half smile.

"Well alright then, get to it" He said. I almost laughed in disbelief. Almost, but then I remembered I only had cash. I'd have to go inside and pay. Feeling completely foolish I mumbled an apology and ran –at human speed- inside the mini convenient store and up to the counter. After paying for the gas, which I may add took up even more of my time, I rushed out to the cruiser, unscrewed the gas nozzle and stuck the pump inside. Thankfully Charlie had already gotten back into the car so there was no need to try to make small talk. When I finished filling his tank I walked to the driver's window and knocked uncomfortably on the window. He rolled it down and before I could say anything stuck out a crime stoppers card with a proof message written on the back. I sighed in relief and said my thanks heading back to my adored car. Now what?...

So if you'd like to see another chapter, please take the time to drop a review. I don't even care what it says! Thanks for reading

**.*~-Tbf-~*.**


	3. Clean Up On Isle EightAgain

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Twilight_ or anything else.

**Clean Up On Isle Eight…Again**

**Rpov**

I pulled out of the gas station just as Bella pulled in. Good. Maybe I was ahead of her then! I felt my confidence building as I sped to the grocers…which meant it was severely high. I didn't waste time checking around the parking lot to see who, if anyone, else was here. I just ran in, grabbed a cart and wheeled it up and down the isle's snatching things off the shelves and throwing them in. It was until I reached isle 8 that I saw them. Jasper, and my husband in front of the peanut butter having a silent face off. I also saw Eric Yorkie standing at the other end of the isle wearing one of the stores employee vests shaking his head and holding a mop with peanut butter on the end. Huh. Guess there's already been one peanut butter incident today…wouldn't be so bad if there were another! It was with that thought that I took off down the isle, full human speed ahead and rammed my cart it's the noses of Jasper and Emmett's carts successfully throwing their items every which way. Jasper and Emmett, shocked, stumbled backward into the shelf sending it toppling over. There were squeals of shock, pain, and excitement as peanut butter, jelly, mustard, mayonnaise and ketchup flew all over isle 8 and 7. Peanut Butter. Was. _Everywhere_. As a jar of Jiff rolled into my toe, I scooped it up and headed to the check out with my head held high despite the gaping humans around me and the angry mumblings of Eric Yorkie. I waved and smiled sweetly at Bella as she walked in an assessed the situation. I think she was holding back laughter. I don't blame her.

I felt good getting into my car, that's for sure. I mean who wouldn't if they were in my position? I had three out of five tasks completed, I knew how to cook unlike my siblings, anyone would be honored to have me walk them across the street and my hair was looking_ damn_ good. I figured I'd save the easiest task for last and start cooking. I knew how to cook of course because despite my infertility I know that in order to be a good mom you need to know your way around a kitchen, but still, sardines and peanut butter? That would disgust even the most grateful of humans. So rather than cook against the clock, I'll walk an incapable human across the street as my victorious act. Okay so I'm a bit cocky, but I know what it takes to win and I've got what it takes. I pulled up in front of the house, not bothering to park in the garage since I'd be leaving again anyway, and carried my groceries and laundry into the living room. Esme was there on the sofa looking disappointed in the direction of the kitchen. Then I smelled it. Something was burning, it smelled like extremely well done bread..too well done. I carried the rest of my things into the kitchen and examined the room. Alice was standing at the counter in front of what I assumed was the source of the foul smell, poking and prodding it with before today, unused utensils. She glanced back at me nervously and forced a giggle.

"H..Hey Rose…….how's it going" She stuttered. I smiled internally at the fact that before now I had never, ever, heard Alice stutter. Play it cool Rose, don't let her know you've got this in the bag.

"Oh, not bad" I shrugged nonchalantly "You?"

"Yeah….same" It was silent then. I could tell Alice was trying to hide her……whatever it was, from view. So I focused on my own culinary creation, I'd get a look at her disaster eventually. Well sardines are nasty, not just to vampires but to humans too. No one likes them! I pulled the aluminum lid off the sardines and dumped them in a small sauce bowl as an…appetizer…yum. The rest is cake. What's America's favorite breakfast? I know! Pancakes! Huh, I wonder if anyone thought of that. Oh well this a competition based on speed, not originality. I sped through the mixing process throwing in the milk, flour, canola oil and eggs haphazardly and stirring it all together at vampire speed. Hey, we're in the privacy of our own home, there are no rules against it. After whipping it all together I turned to the stove….and that is when I first laid eyes on it. The beast. If that isn't too nice of a word for it! It _looks_ like Alice tried to bake a cake. And I guess it could be called the Elephant Man of Cakes. The thing was caked with charred crumbs and the pan was even turned a sickly black. You'd think a fortune teller would know when to take something out of the oven!

"What is _that!?_" I exclaimed, I couldn't help it! The thing was a monster! Alice spun around after digging through the fridge, no doubt searching for salvation in the butter compartment.

"Nothing!" Alice hissed "It's fine!" As if to personally contradict Alice's statement, the cake completely deflated before our eyes and the center of it sank into itself. Alice whimpered and shut the refrigerator door grabbing her peanut butter and returning to nursing her creation. That's when I actually got a good look at the front of her clothing, and I was speechless. The great Alice Fashionista Cullen, _covered_ from top to bottom in peanut butter! I couldn't help the giggle that escaped my lips. Or the chuckle. Or the full blown laughter! Alice shot me a warning look, but I couldn't stop my amusement.

"Alice…giggle….what…giggle…happened…giggle…._to you!_" I doubled over on the floor completely forgetting about the bowl of batter in the hands and dumped it onto the tiled floor. I gasped gathering my senses and hastily snatched the bowl back into me arms.

"Crap!"

This time it was Alice's turn to have a giggle fit.

"Yeah yeah laugh it up shorty, I'm not the one spreading peanut butter over ash." She shut up a second later a glared at me.

We worked in silence after that. I wiped up the batter from the floor and poured what I could salvage into a pan and cooked it over the stove. Alice, after spreading the peanut butter over her cake and hiding it's burntness, poured the can of sweetened condensed milk over it and place decorative sardines on top. Well, it's safe to say she wasn't going for taste. I glanced at my fluffy perfect pancake, then at the condensed milk and peanut butter. If Alice was winging it, so was I. I poured the condensed milk into a bowl, then added a spoonful of peanut butter to it and finally mixed it into a creamy sauce. Satisfied, I poured it over my pancake and admired my work….aside from the sardines my meal doesn't look half bad! It's a shame it'll go to waste..unless Bella eats it! Yeahh, I'll give it to Bella…

I was torn from my thoughts by the sound of tires screeching outside and the front door bursting open bringing Edward, Emmett and Jasper tumbling inside in a flurry of groceries and laundry. I hovered over my dish protectively and Alice did the same with hers, though I'm not sure why since it was already an unsalvageable disaster..

"THE KITCHEN IS MINE!" They all yelled simultaneously.

Oh boy…

EMpov

I was actually in a much better mood than I had been at the gas station. Things were running smoothly now. I had managed to get in and out of the laundry mat fairly quickly –I admit I had to ask the woman next to me several times for assistance- and now at the grocers I had filled my cart with nearly everything. All I needed was sweetened condensed milk, -whatever that was- sardines, -Ew- and peanut butter. Easy enough. I had seen Jasper a few times throughout the store but so far our direct paths have not crossed. I grinned evilly at the thought of sabotage. Be aware brother, and be afraid! I rounded the corner into isle 8, geez I feel like such a woman, in search of the few items left on my list. Oh! Speak of the devil, there he is! Right in front of the peanut butter. Tsk Tsk, poor boy will never see me coming. I wheeled right up behind him and looked over his shoulder, he seemed to be pondering whether to choose crunchy or creamy peanut butter. What?....That doesn't make sense, it doesn't matter what kind of peanut butter you get! Especially in a race, he's wasting time! Unless he's thinking about what he's going to make back at the house…  
Hmm I wonder what I'll make…maybe _I_ should get crunchy peanut butter, just to give my dish some extra flavor or zing or whatever it is tha-NO! Don't be a woman, do _not_ be a woman! I shook my head and slapped Jasper on the back of the head just as he was reaching for the crunchy…good choice. He wheeled around with his cart toward me and looked at me through narrowed eyes. I glanced momentarily at his cart and saw that he too was almost finished. Hmph. Well we'll have to change that status now won't we, I wond- WHOA WHAT THE!? All of a sudden Rosalie was here, and she was hammering her cart into ours! It all happened so fast…

Rosalie had a ferocious look on her face as she rammed her cart into mine and Jaspers sending them flying down the isle with our possessions, her face was so wild and free I was actually surprised she wasn't letting out a battle cry. Man she was so hot right now..But then as my cart was ripped out from under my fingers I lost my usually impeccable vampire balance and started falling toward the shelves taking Jasper down with me. I braced myself for impact, even though I knew everything else would take more damage that me, as I collided with the many, many jars of condiments. I sighed against a jar of peanut butter and lifted my head. All around people were staring at Jasper and I, but mostly they were staring at Rosie who was now at the checkout counter. Who could blame them, she was a woman if I ever saw one. The movement under me is what brought my attention away from my wife and I realized Jasper and I were in a very compromising position. I cleared my throat and jumped up to collect my items whilst snagging myself a jar of peanut butter. I easily found the sardines after that ordeal and with some direction from a worker –I was surprised they hadn't kicked us out- I found the sweetened condensed milk. Ah lady luck, you are beautiful I thought as I spotted Bella making her way out of the isle after taking the same item I was after, leaving me to have the last sweetened condensed milk on the shelf. A pale hand shot out and grabbed the condensed milk and dropped it into a cart. A pale hand, that was _not_ my hand, took _my_ sweetened condensed milk. Oh, _hell_ no. My eyes trailed from the hand, up the arm, over the neck and to the face of the condensed milk stealer, and wouldn't you know it. It was the same prude I pumped gas for! Well I'm sorry ma'am, but I've worked long and hard to win this competition, and there's no way you're messing this up for me! I trudged over to the woman's cart, which happened to have her kid seated in the baby seat, and snatched the condensed milk from her cart with a big, bright smile on my face. The woman did not look impressed.

"So, are you stalking me now or do you pump gas and steal groceries from all the beautiful women in this town" She said in her cringe worthy voice. I didn't want to be rude, but did this woman honestly think she was all that and a bag of chips?

"Yes, I do usually limit myself to beautiful women, but for you I'll make an exception seeing as I really need this here" I said gesturing toward the can. Her face heated up turning a shade of red that could rival Bella's and she huffed and puffed to the point where I truly thought she might blow the shelves down! But instead she raised her purse in her hands and swung it back. I almost laughed, she was going to hit me with her purse! Isn't that a little cliché? I stood before her, eyebrows quirked, waiting for the predictable female human attack when I felt a different sort of impact. Not a painful one but a surprising one. I reached up in mystification and touched my forehead before looking down to see a can of peaches rolling down the isle. Looking up, down and around I realized I saw no one else anywhere near the woman and I. I finally moved my eyes back to the smug face of purse lady, only now I guess I could call her can lady. She just threw a can a peaches at my head! She must haven taken my surprise as an opportunity to steal back the condensed milk because that is exactly what she did. Not only has she thrown a can of peaches at my head, but she snatched that can of condensed milk right out of my hand! Well I never….

"Uhm…_Excuse me!_" I made sure my voice sounded just as appalled as I felt, I'm sure my face must have been incredulous.

"Yes?" She batted her eyes and smiled up at me. Okay now she was just being silly. Was she really going to act innocent?

I narrowed my eyes and held my hand out "I'd appreciate it if you would return that to me."

"Oh" She said pointing to the can in her hand but kept her eyes trained on me "You mean this?"

I rolled my eyes and tapped my foot impatiently, I didn't have time for this. "Yes, that would be the one."

"Sorry" She shrugged "No can do."

I dropped my hand and frowned "Okay." I could tell she was confused by the look of apprehension on her face, and I waited a moment before continuing "I'll be taking this then." I reached over an grabbed the woman's baby before she had a chance to react or protest at all, and dangled it in the air, my hands under its arm pits. A look of horror crossed her face at the sight and I patted myself on the back mentally. I swayed the baby from side to side in the air and beamed at the woman. "Look, he's dancing!". Can lady just watched in silent revulsion until I moved his little body back and forth to make his head bob like a little rocker. That seemed to snap the woman out of her trance as she began grabbing cans of peaches, pears and prunes to pelt at me.

"AH! Hey! STOP! LADY!! GEEZ-COME ON!!" I was much more concerned for the kid than I was myself. Honestly what was this lady thinking throwing hard cans at me when her baby is acting as my shield!? I spun around and held the baby the my chest while the cans continued to rain down on my back and head. It was at this point that I saw Jasper in line at the check out, watching me with a look of amusement on his face. I stuck my tongue out at him and whizzed around to shove the baby back into the woman's –who thankfully had run out ammo- arms and grabbed hold of the condensed milk charging with my cart to Jasper. He looked confused, until I took the peanut butter –which had already caused much trouble- from his cart and chucked it across the room.

"NO!" He shouted taking off after it. I made a split decision on my way to the self check out and snagged a bag of apples. Just as I was taking my receipt from the machine I saw Jasper running out the door, bags in hand. I cursed and gathered my things trailing behind him out the sliding glass doors. As I ran to my jeep my scanned the lot and spotted Jasper next to his Ducati almost instantly. He seemed to be having trouble stuffing his groceries into the under seat compartment….good. Climbing into the driver's seat and tossing the bags onto the passenger's I shoved the key into the ignition and let my car roar to life. I peeled out of the car lot not far behind Jasper and mentally prepared myself for the race home. Jasper's little motorcycle was fast, but I had already factored that in back at the store. I reached into one of the bags and tore through it grabbing one of the apples in my hand, I stuck my fist out the window and hurled it at Jasper's hunched form. I literally heard the impact as the apple shattered against his back, and I felt the confusion radiating off of him. I chortled while repeating the action as apple after apple was flung through the air at Jasper. However just as I was about to throw another, something up ahead of us caught my eye…something shiny.

"Christ" I muttered dropping the apple and accelerating further in an attempt to catch up with Edward's shiny Volvo. I knew Jasper was doing the same and it was no longer Emmett against Jasper. This was Emmett and Jasper against Edward. Sorry, but Edward's the youngest…in human years anyway, and this is how big brother's treat little brother's. It's a code that will never be broken. Once I was about five yards behind Edward I started bombarding his car with apples, and laughing when I saw his face in his rear view mirror. Priceless. I knew I was running low on ammunition and was glad when we turned down the driveway toward home. I would definitely need to stake my claim on the kitchen before either of them could. I hoped it was empty, but if Alice, Rose or Bella were in there they could easily be removed. Our vehicles screeched and skidded to a stop on the gravel and the sound of two doors slamming could be heard as Edward and I raced to beat Jasper to the door. Edward, of course, managed to burst…more like stumble into the house first followed by myself with Jasper on my heels.

"THE KITCHEN IS MINE!" We all three yelled. Then we glared and scowled at each other "NO, MINE!" we chorused…this was getting weird.

Thank you all who reviewed! It really means a lot so please continue [:

This chapter is a bit shorter, I know. I'm very sorry, but I promise next chapter will make up for it!

**.*~-Tbf-~*.**


	4. Grease Slathered and Deep Fried R Us

**Disclaimer: **I own nothing.

**Grease Slathered and Deep Fried R Us**

**EDpov**

"I was here first!" I yelled repeating Jasper and Alice's earlier words to me. After racing Jasper and Emmett home there was no way I was going to give up to kitchen to either of them. I still had to wash the damn laundry! I shoved past them both and into the kitchen where Alice and Rosalie were hiding their dishes from my path of destruction. I admit, I hadn't the slightest idea of what I was going to make….but I'd be damned if I was going to let that stop me from reserving this space for myself! Jasper and Emmett pushed their way in shortly after me while Alice and Rosalie scurried out to do who knows what. I just hoped neither of them had finished their lists yet. I turned to my brothers and pointed to the exit.

"OUT!" I demanded. They, of course, ignored me completely and set their bags on the counter top wasting no time in getting things out and setting to work on whatever they'd decided to make. I couldn't imagine either of them putting any thought into this, but by the way their hands made fast work of their ingredients maybe they had taken this portion of the challenge more seriously than I gave them credit for. I shook my head and began going through my own bags. I couldn't let them see that I had no clue what I was doing so I started opening cabinets and drawers in attempt to make myself look busy while I tried to recall anything I'd seen on the cooking shows Esme and Rosalie are always watching. I felt a something yank the back of my collar and toss me across the room like a rag doll and I crashed into one of the wooden bar stools, one of my legs managing to tangle itself into it.

"You ain't fooling anyone, _Eddie_," Emmett said as he sifted through the pots pulling out a relatively small one. I huffed and tried to disentangle myself from the furniture without harming it. I fear what Esme might do to me if she found any part of her beloved antiques scathed. Fine, if that's the way they want to play. I grabbed the first pan I was able to get my hands on and gave it a nice squirt of oil before rounding on Emmett and Jasper and dousing them with what still remained. Emmett actually squealed and dropped his milk on the now slick tiled floor. Jasper was staring down at his body with a look of disgust, which his thoughts mirrored.

I turned back to the stove and innocently spread the oil around in the pan "You making bacon Emmett, or was that you who squealed?" I said conversationally.

"It was a man yell" He growled back, muttering about being blind sided. I snickered quietly and slapped those wretched sardines on the pan to let them….well hopefully they'll shrivel up and just disappear. I took a moment to asses the situation. Peanut butter, flour, milk, eggs and condensed milk. When in doubt, make a freakin' awesome smoothie! I flung open one of the lower cabinets and snatched the blender out making quick work of plugging it into an outlet. I spooned in about half the jar of peanut butter and searched around for the can opened –assuming we had one- which I'm sure we did. We were kind of obsessed with our props. My eyes zeroed in on the object in the firm grasp of Jaspers hand. I made a lunge for it and he all but hurled the refrigerator door open in my face, causing me to fly into it forcefully. Needles to say, a funeral for the door will be in order for the near future. I growled and tore the condensed milk open with my razor sharp teeth and let it ooze unto the blender along with a healthy sum of milk. I eyed the flour warily silently cursing it because you don't put flour in a drink. You just _don't_. But what the hell, you also don't get into a peanut butter battle with your sister in a grocery store. As always, I'm breaking all the rules. I poured the flour in the blender like any rebel would along with a couple of eggs and hit 'High' on the blender. It started off kind of slow, I guess because of the peanut butter, but pretty soon the milk and eggs started thinning it out and things started picking up. I mean, things _really _started picking up! Before I could make a move the whole blender started shaking violently and brown mush was sent flying around the kitchen on the appliances, the walls, the floor, and the cabinets and on me, Jasper and Emmett. I stood there, stunned, for a second more before hesitantly reaching out to turn off the blender and face my brothers.

"Really Edward? You've never heard of a lid?" I glanced sheepishly at Jasper, who was covered from head to toe in my 'smoothie'.

I chuckled nervously and rubbed the back of my neck "Uhh, sorry...so...Hey, that looks good what is it?" I asked gesturing to the slab of brown paste that looked a lot like mine. Jasper actually looked a bit bashful for a moment, but before he could answer Emmett burst out into fits of laughter on the floor. We both turned to him with inquisitive looks but it was obvious he would be shelling out no explanations. Okay, time to do something I usually try to avoid at all costs…infiltrate Emmett's mind!

'_HAHA, Eddie's so stupid! First he can't even cover that science/toilet experiment of his, and now his little fish have turned to blackened dust! Poor boy doesn't have a prayer HAHA…'_

I turned horrified back to the stove where my precious sardines lay in ruins. I could almost hear the worlds smallest violin playing as I bowed my head and took a moment to honor the incinerated beings.

I was scraping what I could of my smoothie onto a plate while Emmett and Jasper bickered about who knows what when we heard a car spluttering down the drive way. Bella. I shoved the plate on the counter and spread the black ash of the sardines on top. I glanced around the kitchen, noted that it looked terrible, and took off with my bag laundry to complete my final task.

**JASpov**

Once Edward flew like a bat out of hell from the kitchen and Bella came in with all her grocery items I realized I really had a shot at winning this! All I had left to do was pump someone's gas and get back home which shouldn't take long at all assuming there'll be someone at the gas station. So I hopped once again onto my Ducati and rode into town oozing excitement and determination pondering what tortures I could possibly subject our loser to. I was grinning evilly by the time I pulled into the station and parked in front of the restrooms. I must have been sitting there a good ten minutes before I finally heard the rumbling of a car coming up the street and when it pulled steadily up to pump number three I felt my confidence sky rocket. I almost tore the kick stand off my bike in my haste to get it out and I ran full human speed ahead to the man getting out of the car. I put my hands up to him when I was about five feet away and smiled.

"Let me get that for you, free gas on me" Strangely the man's heart started beating a mile a minute –at which I internally cringed- and he blushed? Huh, weird. I held my credit card out to swipe in the machine when I suddenly felt a restraining hand on my arm.

"Oh my, you're strong…" My eyes bugged and my thoughts faltered for a moment as I cautiously looked up to meet the eyes of the man I was about to pump gas for.

"Uhh, what?" My voice was shaky and I quickly assessed the man emotions.

Lust.

Heavy, unyielding, raw lust.

Heaven have mercy…

"When you're done with the gas…is there, anything else you'd like to pump…?" Christ, cue gag reflex! I exhaled breathily and kept my eyes trained on my wallet as I replaced my credit card in its respected pocket.

"You know what…I think I'm just gonna go now…" Contest be damned, I won't be molested!

"Aww don't go sugar, I'd like you to sweeten up my day…and night" The man winked at me and licked his lips. That was the last straw for me, and spun around and ran with my tail between my legs back to my bike with the mans eyes trained on me the entire time. I shivered and was grateful when I finally heard the running of the machine signaling he was not going to come after me. Great, this is just my luck! To run into probably the only gay man in Forks when I'm trying to win a competition! I crossed my arms and stared at the bathroom door, once again waiting for some non-rapist person to allow me to pump their gas. I guess you could say I was lucky it was only five minutes until the familiar motorized sounds hit me. Or you could say I was very, very unlucky that the sounds were coming from a gang of hooting and howling bikers. I sighed and heaved myself over to them reluctantly, walking straight up to what looked like the head biker man.

"Hi" I said, "It's your lucky day, free gas on me. Congratulations"

The man looked at me like I was crazy before smiling smugly and turning to face his heard of cattle.

"Ay! Boyz, we won ourselves free tank of gas!" I looked back at the bikers with wide eyes and started to protest but was cut off by the whoops and hollers of middle aged over weight men with gross frizzy beards. The head honcho turned back to me grinning "Well, get to pumping then"

"Y-you _all_ need gas?" I stuttered counting 19 bikers. Oh god…

"That's right sonny, so fill 'em up!"

I shook my head turning back to the machine to swipe my card, and began filling tank, after tank, after tank, after tank…

**Apov**

I could see as I drove to get my laundry done that Edward would be showing up during the drying process. Not much of a threat there, I could assume I'd beat him at least but the rest was still blurry and that made me nervous. I pulled into the parking lot and carried the clothes we would never wear again into the laundry mat, even though Good Will would end up washing them again.

I searched the future relentlessly as I waited for the clothes to wash and Edward to show up. Bits and flashes were starting to break through the haze but nothing was yet set in stone, which annoyed and frustrated me to no end.

About ten minutes into the drying process Edward came barreling through the automatic doors articles of clothing flying every which way. He spared me a glance, but I gave him a stay-out-of-my-way-if-you-enjoy-have-opposable-thumbs glare. Needless to say he scurried as far away from me as possible with his tail between his legs and didn't so much as breathe in my direction.

My clothes were dry and I was out the doors and in my Porsche at a snails pace, also known as human speed. I really put the petal to the metal and held nothing back as I raced at maximum speed down the road toward home. I was going to win this and no one, _no one_, was going to get in my way. The fact that I may have plowed through a large puddle while passing Newton's Outfitters and that I might have soaked Jessica Stanley who was standing outside gazing longingly at Mike through the window and soaked her to the bone with muddy gravely water – was nothing more than an added bonus to me inevitable win.

And just as I skidded into the turn of the mile long drive way, leaving burnt rubber tracks in my wake, the future opened up, I saw _everything._

**Rpov**

Helping someone across the street sounds like a trivial thing to do – it's so boy scout. But when that person is Mrs. Cope who happened to be going through a mid life menopause crisis – and I know this because she shouted it at me, in detail – it's an ordeal.

I'd sat parked at a curb examining my flawlessly manicured nails and waiting for someone to come make my day when Mrs. Cope, school secretary and basket case, waddled her way down the side walk. I almost said no. Not her. Not Mrs. Gnawed Cuticles-Chipped Teeth-Fifty Year Chain Smoker Voice-Cope. Then I remembered the game, and the brutal horror I could subject one of the poor sods to without judgment. I was out of my car and by her side before she could shimmy that double chin of hers.

"Mrs. Cope!" My voice was more artificially sweetened than a packet of koolaid, "Let me help you across the street, your cankles must be sore"

She looked up at me swiftly with wide squirrely eyes and red smeared lipstick and said "What did you say?!"

"I said your ankles must be sore," – _fake smile_ – "I mean those glasses must weigh a ton" We both looked at the large red sixties style glasses that hung from gross brown beads around her neck.

"Yes well…no they're not actually…" I rolled my eyes. Whatever let's just move lady. I don't know how many trips we'll have to make in order to haul all of your fat across the street. I took hold of her elbow fat and started to lead her to the other side of the street but she was resisting and it would look a little suspicious if I gave Godzilla a piggy back ride across the road. I huffed and took my I'm-About-Four-Seconds-Away-From-Tearing-You-A-New-One stance with my hands on my hips and my left heeled foot tapping impatiently.

"Are you going to move those two hams you call feet or are they on a set path to Grease Slathered and Deep Fried R Us?" She didn't answer immediately, only stared at me red faced and horror stricken. "Because I don't have all day to wait for you to carnivorously tear chicken thighs and cow tongue apart with your hands and teeth while small children cower, fearful for their lives, in the corner."

Mrs. Cope spluttered and puffed and made other fat sounds but couldn't come up with a coherent word. After a few seconds once she gathered her bearings she gathered her over sized bag in her arms and thus began her ranting ramblings…

"My husband doesn't touch me…" _Omigod No way…_

"I'm too young to hit menopause…" _No children? Aww…_

"My figure is getting so hard to maintain…" _Dear lord, what tortures must you endure to uphold your obesity…_

"The battery ran out just as it was about to take me there…" _Okay I've heard enough_

"MOVE YOUR LARD FATTY!" I yelled at the top of my lungs. Mrs. Cope shut up and practically ran across the street, but she looked more like a huge water bed in motion. I was right on her tail and pretty much shoved a pen and paper in her face, making her sign a note of acknowledgment to my good deed.

Now I was speeding home to claim my win and it felt amazing. There were no other cars on the road which meant either everyone was already at home, which I doubted, or I was the only one finished with all of my tasks. Various scraps of paper were oiled in the passenger seat, proof of my hard work. During the speed sprint down the driveway, as the house came into view, about three things I was sure.

First, I was not the only one here.

Second, there were cars, and I didn't know how many of them, approaching swiftly behind me.

And third, I was unmercifully and irrationally, infuriated.

Thank you everyone who reviewed, alerted and favorite this story! I'm sorry for two things.

This chapter took ridiculously long and there is no excuse for that.

I promised a longer chapter than the last but I realized that I had to end it hear for next chapter to work out the way I want it to.

So tell me, who do you think is going to win and lose?

Who do you want to win and lose?

**.*~-Tbf-~*.**


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